oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
