I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
