I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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