Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
