Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
