Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
