well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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