She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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