weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
