She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
