were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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