u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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