apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
