my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
