It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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