I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
