Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And my parents said I crawled through the house
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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