I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Randomize
