Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
