flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
