My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My ATM looks so different sober.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
