I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
