So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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