I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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