Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
