I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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