Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
