my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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