The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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