Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
