clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
