I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
