it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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