just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
