you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
