im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
