I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
