I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Only a mothe r could love this liver
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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