I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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