My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
