My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I believe in your delicious
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
