hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
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Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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