Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
