i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
