U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
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Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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