Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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