my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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