I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
