I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
