i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
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i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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