1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
