headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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