Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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