Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
