I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
