Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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